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Hey guys, welcome back to the she who dares podcast. I'm your host, Krista Wilson. So today's episode is going to be a little bit different. Think of today's episode as like a [00:02:00] digital diary entry. And I feel like it's cool every maybe once a month or once every kind of six weeks for me to give a bit of a life update.
And the reason that I'm doing this particular episode today, which is like a digital diary entry is because on my personal Instagram. I am Crystal Wilson. I've been sharing in detail. A lot about our fertility and IVF journey. And a couple of weeks ago, I shared a little bit about a new path that we're on.
And I did a little poll on my Instagram stories and ask if this was Something that you guys would be interested in in the form of a podcast episode. And so many of you were like, yes, I'd love to hear about our fertility journey. I've been sharing about our fertility journey pretty openly for the past nine years.
Yes, yes, yes, yes. If you're tuning in for [00:03:00] the first time, that is correct. We are in our ninth year trying to conceive. It has been a really long and hard journey and we've done lots of different things and IVF. In 2024, and we've just paused that. And so what I wanted to do today was kind of just give you guys a bit of an update on our IVF journey.
I'm going to give you a bit of a timeline because I know some of you have probably been following our journey on Instagram, but then some of you probably, this may be the first time that you're hearing about it. So I thought I would create a bit of a timeline for you guys around our fertility journey.
So we have been trying to start a family for nine years. And I mean, honestly, that feels like a huge punch in the face, even saying that just like, it's just shocking. It's like wild. It's like, what the fuck? Like, this is [00:04:00] actually my story. This is actually my life. And this is actually something that we've been navigating For the better half of the last nine years.
This all actually started for Bruce and I. So Bruce is my fiancé in 2016. So we're lying in bed. It was December, 2016. And Bruce and I decided that we were ready to become parents and we decided to try to fall pregnant. And it was about a year of just trying. We weren't putting any pressure on ourselves. It was just more like, let's try. And see what happens and life was really busy as well.
We were both running our first business together. And so about a year after deciding that we wanted to be parents and when we're trying, we're like, Oh shit, we've not fallen pregnant. Like maybe we should go and see. our GP about that. I had already been previously diagnosed with PCOS and \ also, I hadn't been diagnosed yet with [00:05:00] endometriosis, but it was very much believed that I had endometriosis.
And I was aware of endometriosis since about 16, because I'd always had such trouble with my periods and cycles being incredibly painful, like vomiting from the pain, being bedridden. heavy bleeding, just all of the things. So even though I hadn't yet been diagnosed with endometriosis, I was pretty certain that I had it based on lots of different doctor's appointments and things that I was experiencing , my whole life up until that point.
So we decided to go to our GP and we decided to get some tests done. And what we found from that initial testing was that I had PCOS and I also had polycystic ovaries, which we were already aware of. looked like I had a polyp potentially in my uterus and , bruce's sperm also had some like mobility issues.
All really, Bruce's stuff was all fixed easily with vitamins. And I was then sent to a specialist to have a look at this potential [00:06:00] polyp. And while I was at that specialist, they were like, let's also check for endometriosis. Then I had my first surgery. And that's when I was diagnosed with endometriosis, which is really interesting because even though there was this huge mass showing in my uterus, which was be a polyp, when they actually went in, they could not find it.
It was like , the vanishing mass in my uterus. So that was my first kind of time going to the GP, getting tests done. And to be honest with you, like all of those things can cause problems , with fertility. And so no one's really told me why we haven't been able to fall pregnant. It's just like a lot of different things that we've been dealing with, if that makes sense.
So then we fixed all of those problems as best as we could. And we kept trying naturally. At that point, I was actually referred to modern mother's hospital and I was put into their fertility program, which was a natural fertility program, which was [00:07:00] a lot of like checking internal temperature, and like monitoring and collecting data that way and trying for natural conception after about 18 months of that not working, then it was like, okay, we need to see an IVF doctor because.
Like , nothing is working by this point. we started trying to conceive in 2016. It's now like 2019. And we decided that we wanted to start looking into IVF. So in 2020, we did our first egg collection. So IVF is broken up into like two parts. You've got the egg collecting part.
And then you've got the transfer part. And the transfer part can be done. Frozen or it could be fresh. So we did our first egg collection. I was very, very fortunate to have 31 eggs collected, which is very normal for somebody who has PCOS to have a high number of eggs. The quality of those eggs though can be where the problem lies.
So from 31 eggs collected at [00:08:00] my egg collection we then ended up with six embryos. And those embryos were actually frozen. We froze all because I had mild OHSS, which is a complication from overstimulation from my egg collection. So I wasn't in a physical position to even do a transfer. medically, I wasn't able to do a fresh transfer.
I had to freeze all and come back to doing a transfer. once my body had kind of recovered from the egg collection. So in addition, what we decided to do, so once you've got your embryos, we had six, you can pay additional money to get those embryos genetically tested. And we really wanted to do that.
We'd already been on such a long fertility journey. That the thought of putting in embryos, like transferring embryos that were never viable. I just wanted to like minimize that emotional pain for myself. So what that means is, is that like, even though the embryos are [00:09:00] there and frozen, it does not mean that they are viable, healthy embryos.
Some of those embryos could be prone to miscarriage. And so we were trying to eliminate as much risk and emotional trauma after already being on such a long fertility journey. So we paid the additional like, I think it was like four or 5, 000 to get our embryos genetically tested. Now, this was a really fucked up situation because we paid that money for our six embryos of the six, only two could be genetically tested.
And so, And the other four, they tried to genetically test them, but there was not enough DNA. So it meant that of the six embryos that we paid to be genetically tested, four came back inconclusive, which meant we were in the same position that we were before we tested them, but we just dropped thousands of dollars to test them.
And then the other two, one came back Like as a, a grade good to go embryo. And one was [00:10:00] mosaic. So mosaic means , not really feasible. can, and some people do, but it's not something that we would probably risk doing. So that meant that of our six embryos, we had one that was tested and like, good to go.
And then we had one that absolutely was not a viable embryo. And then we had four that came back inconclusive. And to be honest with you, when this was happening, I don't think I quite fully understood what that meant. I was just like, we've got embryos and they're inconclusive and it's fine.
Like now that I'm like many more years in and I've done now three frozen embryo transfers with three like it means a lot more to me now. When I think back of like, fuck, we were already in like a pretty fucked position. With only having one genetically tested embryo, that we knew was out a grade let's fucking go.
And that ended up being the first transfer we did. So we put our very best. Healthiest embryo in on our very first [00:11:00] transfer in 2021. And unfortunately that was unsuccessful at this point. I just needed a break. And the main reason I needed a break after doing our first transfer was obviously just like emotionally, it's tough.
Like you just think it's going to work every time. And it just doesn't. I mean like every time we have sex, I think I'm going to fall pregnant. And then I'm like every month when I bleed, I'm like, Oh no, it didn't work again this month. So it's like, there's so much hope, but you're constantly let down. And so after our first frozen embryo transfer, I just really felt like I needed a break, but also I was so fearful of where my health was at.
I gained so much weight over the last five years and even more so going through IVF and all the like the. hormonal fertility treatments. And I was about 40 kilos heavier than I am now. And I was like, I need to lose weight. I need to get healthy. And when I had these conversations with my IBF doctor, like I constantly brought up my weight and she was like, always crystal.
I [00:12:00] can get you pregnant this way. She was \ never, ever, ever. Like implied that my weight was a problem, but intuitively I just felt so uncomfortable, so unhealthy and just like, you know, my body was just not coping with the extra weight. Plus when I would do IVF, it would just really aggravate how I was feeling.
I did not feel good. I mean, you already feel shit doing IVF, but like at it being like I was obese, do you know what I mean? Like that just adds so much more pressure on your body. Mentally, physically, emotionally, all of it. So I took a break and was like, I am going to lose weight. And to be honest with you, I had been playing that game with myself of like, I'm going to lose weight.
I'm going to get healthy. And I would only be able to get so far. And then I would revert back to gain the weight or like. Getting back into like negative, bad, old habits. And so in 2022, I had this huge realization after years of telling myself that I could do it on my own, that I actually [00:13:00] wasn't going to be able to do this on my own.
I mean, I couldn't even lose five kilos. How the fuck was I going to lose 40 kilos, right? So with that realization of realizing, okay, I'm getting older, I've gained so much weight over the last couple of years. I keep trying to lose this weight and I just cannot do it. It just made me realize I need help.
I need help. I need to just come to the realization that this is something I've done a lot of shit on my own and I'm really strong and I'm resilient and I've overcome a lot, but this weight gain, I'm so far gone in how much weight that I've gained that I just can't do it. Had to like swallow the painful truth that I was not going to be able to do this on my own.
And with that realization came freedom because it meant that okay now I can ask for help. Now I can look at what options are available to me. In the end, I decided to have weight loss surgery. Specifically, I had the sleeve because our main reason at that point for having weight loss surgery was obviously I was very overweight, [00:14:00] but also we were going through IVF and I was getting older and I wanted to have the weight loss surgery to give me the best chances of even potentially falling pregnant naturally.
I think that was like the dream, the goal. So in 2022, I had the sleeve when you have weight loss surgery. And I think a lot of women actually have weight loss surgery For fertility, you have to wait 12 to 18 months before you can then actually even try naturally. You have to allow your body the time to get to a stable weight and it takes about 12 to 18 months to do that.
But also your body takes time to heal through the big surgery that you've had. And also just like, So much weight that you lose so quickly. So in October, 2022, I had the sleeve life changing my biggest regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Yeah, it's one of the greatest gifts that I gave myself was having weight loss surgery and I absolutely have no regrets.
I mean, look, there's probably a lot of you listening. I do have women jump into my inbox a lot and [00:15:00] Ask me questions because they want to know about my journey with weight loss surgery. And I'm so open and happy to talk about that. If that's something that you would love like an actual whole episode on drop into my inbox, let us know, but I had the weight loss surgery.
Was all good. I waited the 12 to 18 months and then , I think it was 12 months that my surgeon gave me the, okay, you guys can start trying naturally. And I'll be honest with you. I'm a fucking optimistic girly. I thought we're going to try it. I was going to pull pretty naturally. I thought I have done everything now.
Like I've even had weight loss surgery and you know, there's so many stories of women similar to myself who. Have weight loss surgery and they're pregnant like that in the first three months of weight loss surgery like so many stories like that and I feel like my Fertility journey if I'm being honest with you is people are constantly sharing those stories with me when it comes like oh my friend She's still trying my friend.
It's my friend my friend my friend and I am never that fucking person I'm like when nine years in [00:16:00] babe Do to me I've had the weight loss surgery and I really thought we're gonna fall pregnant naturally We tried it did not fucking happen, which was just like that. To be honest with you, after the 12 months post weight loss surgery, and then trying naturally, those were some of the most painful few months for me every time my cycle would arrive, because I just really felt like I had done everything now.
Do you know what I mean? Like I didn't know what else I could do that was within my control. And. It just wasn't happening, you know, so that were really, really tough months. And then, you know, IVF and fertility it's interesting. Like , you go and you go all in and then it's just like, I need a break, but you don't have time to have breaks.
And it's like, the whole thing is just so fucking confusing all the time. But after, you know, six months of trying Late 2023, early 2024. we've been trying the whole time. Naturally. We decided that we needed to look back into IVF cause we had four inconclusive embryos, one mosaic [00:17:00] embryo, which means you really only have four embryos left. in 2024 we got back into doing transfers. So I did full medicated transfers. Which meant that I was injecting and I was on lots of hormones, lots of pessaries, like 22 different tablets a day in the like 10 to 14 days, and then we would do the transfer. And so we did our first one in September,
and. Again, like I just thought it was going to work, right? Thought it was gonna work and it did not work, but I want to give you some like context as well. So before we did our transfer in September, there's a few things that I did. I had an appointment with my IVF doctor. We looked at the protocol that I was on.
She was very progressive and aggressive in her approach, which is what you want with an IVF doctor. You don't want an IVF doctor. Who's happy to just waste embryos. And I'm very aggressive and progressive in my approach as well. So when we had our meeting and we were [00:18:00] like, okay, we're going to start doing transfers again.
And we already had the one failed transfer in 2021. I was very much like, what are we going to do different? And she was like, this is what we're going to do different. So. The protocol that I was on for my first transfer and then the protocol that she put me on for my second transfer were different. I went from like, I can't even remember what it was called, the first protocol, but then she put me straight onto the Bondi immune protocol which was injections, Lots of different hormones and one of those being a steroid.
And so we did the Bondi immune protocol for that second transfer in all up, but our first transfer of 2024 and unfortunately it was unsuccessful. And just before I did the transfer, I actually went and got a spirit baby reading. From somebody who's very well known. I have friends who have seen her and She's literally given people timelines and this is what I mean by [00:19:00] Like what I don't know why this is so such a block of so difficult for me Because even people that I'm close to have seen her And have gotten timelines of when they're going to fall pregnant.
And it happens right down to exactly what she said. I had a reading with her and she told me that I would be pregnant. Either this first transfer in 2024 the second. And so when our first one in 2024 did not work, I was like, it's the next one. She gave me a timeline. She told me that I would be pregnant before my.
41st birthday, which is literally this month in two weeks and I'm on my period right now Which means there's no fucking way that I could be pregnant before my 41st birthday And so she gave me a timeline. She gave me so much hope which was honestly what I needed so much because Opening myself back up to IVF after like not having done IVF for four years while I was having weight loss surgery where I was trying naturally, it just, as soon as I'm doing IVF, I become super vulnerable.
But when I'm not [00:20:00] doing IVF or not actively trying, I'm like, cool, I'm not affected by it. So I was just feeling , like a little bit lost and a little bit like I needed injection of hope and someone to give me some guidance. And so I have my spirit baby reading. I got my timeline and it didn't fucking happen.
I have these moments. Not so much right now, but like when it was happening, I was like, why the fuck does this happen to me? Why is it that everyone in my fucking life tells me stories about their friend and this happened and this happened. Oh my God. And this happened. Why is everyone else got that story?
And then when it comes to fertility, it does not happen for me. Why is it that like, I know people have had a spirit baby reading with this particular chick. Who's meant to be amazing. And they get a timeline and they fucking fall pregnant based on the timeline that she's given. I get the same reading and I get a timeline and it doesn't fucking happen.
And so I know there's a lesson in there for me. I know, I believe in that, right? I believe everything is happening to me for a reason. That is what I believe, [00:21:00] but I'm in this really. Fucking annoying part in my fertility journey where I'm like, why the fuck is this happening to me?
Like, it's like, when nine fucking years in I'm 41 years old, like, I'm angry, you know, I'm angry and I might cry. Maybe not. I didn't bring tissues. I'm sitting in my office with no tissues. So no tears today. Anyway. So that's a whole lot of things. So we did the transfer.
It did not work. So then. You know, it was like fucking 7 p. m. at night and then the phone to my IVF doctor. I'm like, what's the plan now? I'm just like that. Like once you've got a foul, I'm like, cool. What's the solution? What's the plan? What's our next step? I don't like to like sit in the, it didn't work.
I'm like, It didn't fucking work. Now what's our plan? So I had a call with her and I was like, what's our plan now? Because my thing is that didn't work. We better be doing something fucking different. You know, we better be trying everything that we can try. And I love that my doctor's also like that.
So she was like, I don't want to do another transfer straight away. I want to take you in for surgery. And just about [00:22:00] four things that she wanted to do in that surgery. Which would be in about 20 days from when I was having this conversation with her. One of the things that she wanted to test me for was natural killer cells, which she was really confident that I already had.
And she was already to some degree treating me for that. And so I was like, sweet, sign me the fuck up. I've had so many surgeries and so many procedures now that I'm like, no problems. Let's fucking go. And I just want to be moving in a direction that we want to go and we're making moves and we're making decisions.
And we're, you know, dotting out eyes, crossing our T's flipping over stones. We're trying to figure out why the fuck we have been trying to conceive for nine years. It hasn't happened because at this point it feels like a fucking joke to have literally tried almost every month for nine years done so many different things and never held a positive pregnancy test.
Anyway, so we do the surgery. She tests me for all the things. While we're waiting for the results of the [00:23:00] surgery, we create our next plan, which is she's going to increase all my medications based on the surgery results being positive. And we're going to also be doing every fortnight, I was going to go to Brisbane for intralipid infusions, which is a part of the natural killer cells infusion.
protocol. So I was like, sweet. I spent hours, like there's no one in Toowoomba that does intralipids. I spent hours just researching and trying to figure out how I was going to do this, because it's just difficult. I live like two hours away from that hospital, but we were going to make it work. The night before I'm about to go.
So it's literally like six o'clock. I have my first intralipid infusion in Brisbane at 7am, which means I have to get up four and drive to Brisbane for this intralipid. My IVF doctor calls me and she's like, Crystal, I've got the results of your surgery. Everything came back negative. And we also tested a DQ alpha gene, which is another like specific gene mutation that causes infertility.
Getting this [00:24:00] call to say that we did not have All of these things that she tested me for, to be honest with you, it was like a punch in the guts. It wasn't a positive experience for me. We are so far into this that we're like, what the fuck is going on? Like somebody tell us exactly why our embryos aren't working and why we have not fallen pregnant.
So we had so much hope that these results were going to come back positive, which would then give us. A clear path on why we hadn't been falling pregnant and what we needed to do. My doctor had given us such a clear and thorough plan of exactly what we were going to do based on me having all of the things that she just tested me for.
And I did not have any of it. And she was shocked like I was. So we've already actually started the cycle for the prepping my body with the medication for the next transfer, which is happening in two weeks. And so with all of that being negative, She says to me, I [00:25:00] have no medical reason for you to continue with any of the medication except for like bump this, this and this.
So the protocol that she'd been treating me for the whole time, the plan that we had just spent weeks fixing and planning and doing this stuff, like the intralipids, the steroids, the injection. She was like, I have no medical reason for you to do any of this now, which made me feel like what the fuck felt more lost like, I just lost hope because we, you know, really felt like this second transfer in 2024.
This was the one, my spirit baby reading lady told me this was the one, you know, we were doing all these other things. Like we thought we were finally getting to the point where we knew why, and then it was all negative. And the plan changed overnight. And it was less medication, it was just more like, let's just see what happens.
And if you're going through IVF, when you're spending thousands and thousands of dollars and you have embryos, you never want to just see what happens. You know what I mean? You don't want to waste your money. [00:26:00] And more importantly, like money comes and goes, you don't want to waste your fucking embryos.
And you want to be in the, right mindset. You want to be going into this being like, this is going to fucking work. Like you don't want to be going into it with like doubt and confusion. And like the plans being flipped on its head and your doctor doesn't even know what the fuck she's doing anymore because she's confused.
It's just like we entered that second transfer it was like, what the fuck is going on? But we continued and we worked on our mindset. And we got really positive. And because of what the spirit baby reading had said, I was like, this is the one we're going to fall pregnant. Like, this is the timeline I was given.
little things were happening as well. Like . We're going to have all of our friends, like 20 of our closest friends here for a Christmas dinner. My parents were coming up. My parents were going to arrive like three days before we were all going to find out if this transfer was successful.
And we were just so excited and so hopeful. And we just really thought it was going to [00:27:00] work. And part of. The protocol for the second one is she actually put me on booster injections, which is like a high voltage, like HCG injection to try and trick your body that you're pregnant. And I'm really good when it comes to testing.
So you've got to wait two weeks, right? You do the transfer. You've got like a two week wait, roughly. Some people go to 18 days as well. My doctor has sometimes gone longer and I'm really good. I'll get to the night before. So I'll be like, I'm good. I'm not going to test, but the closer I get to the actual appointment for the blood test to see if it works is when I start to like unravel.
So it's usually that 48 hours before the Monday morning blood test to find out if I'm pregnant. So it's usually the Friday night where it's like, all of a sudden the wheels come off and all of a sudden I have no self control. And I'm like, Bruce, I want to test Bruce. I want to test. And Bruce is always like, very soft and nurturing, but , he doesn't want to test, he just wants to wait until Monday. But then I'm like, I'm going fucking [00:28:00] crazy. And he's like, do whatever you need to do. So he's always like supportive in whatever I need. So I had a pregnancy test and I was like, let's just fucking test.
And I tested on the Friday night. And I think I have shared, I'm not sure. It's like hard to track everything I've shared because there's just been so much, but this was like so painful because we actually got a positive. We've never held a positive pregnancy test, but I've tested 48 hours before my blood test.
And I really thought that that was like, I'd already waited long enough. And As I test and as I'm holding the positive and we're crying and we're jumping up and down and Bruce is looking at me like we're just in disbelief. like, is this it? Are we actually fucking pregnant? And then Bruce reminded me that I'd done this HCG booster and that it could be a false positive.
And then I immediately messaged my IVF doctor and she was like, it could be a false positive and you also could be pregnant, like test every day and test day and night. And [00:29:00] we just did all of that. And then over the next kind of like, three days or two days, we watched that line get lighter and lighter and lighter.
And then we had our blood tests on the Monday. It was such a fuckery. Like, It was hard to tell, like, is the line getting lighter? Your mind plays tricks on you. You've got so much hope, right? And you're just like, this has to be it. Everything's aligning. This has to be the one. And. I went for my blood test on the Monday morning and guess what?
It came back with I don't know how they work it out, but for me, it was like 5 percent that it wasn't a full negative. Basically there was like a percentage of HCG still in my system, which meant that. They couldn't medically say it was a negative, which was a huge fuck around. And then I had to test again.
There was this period of like, , you're not pregnant, but you are getting some percentage of a positive, but it's probably just still the HCG.
That was a real fuck around. It was really heartbreaking. And then literally three days later, my parents arrived and then I had 20 people at my house and I was hosting Christmas dinner and cooking for [00:30:00] everyone, which is my happy place. So. It was the best distraction, but it was not an easy time. And it was just this really interesting time because I had everyone here and it didn't fucking work, but we got a positive.
And then we had to like break our own hearts so many times over that week, realizing we weren't pregnant. We had to break the news to like our friends and family. And to be honest with you at this point, mentally and emotionally, I was on the verge of a breakdown and also just been working. The whole time through IVF, which you do with fucking powerful.
Lots of women do, but I just was probably not well, I was on lots of medication and I was having failures and I was just like sucking it up and I was like working through, I mean, I was in hospital, like the day that I'm getting it hasn't worked crystal. You know, I'm supporting my clients.
I'm showing up. I'm just doing what I do. I was just like a bit of a robot. And after that second failure and getting close to the end of the year, we had a five day holiday booked in Noosa. And that was meant to be [00:31:00] like, I'm going to go to NUSA. I'm checking out, I'm recharging, which I did, but I mean, I like literally cried 24 seven.
I slept almost every day in NUSA. I was not in a good place mentally and emotionally, everything caught up with me. The minute I got to NUSA and stopped, I was just a fucking mess. I had way too high expectations on like having five days away was going to like fix everything, but actually what it did was gave me the time to actually grieve and I grieved for five days.
I drank a lot of wine, a lot of oysters, a lot of gin, and I cried a lot and just grieved for five days, which is exactly what I needed at that time. Now, as this is all happening, a fertility natural path has been recommended to us.
And so we booked an appointment with her and I just want to share with you guys what's happening. So because we've had three fails and we've only got two embryos left, but those two embryos that we have left they [00:32:00] tested inconclusive embryos and they're also low grade embryos. So our IVF doctor has recommended that our next transfer will be our final transfer and she wants to transfer both embryos at the same time.
So this like two embryos that she wants to transfer, our two inconclusive low grade embryos. That's it. That's our last banked embryos. And if they are unsuccessful, we are going back into the beginning of IVF. We're doing a whole nother egg collection, but now I'm fucking 41. The last time I did it, I was 36.
So, you know, the percentage of my egg quality and all that stuff. I mean, I just got an AMH test done this morning so we can check everything. So that's really confronting because when we did our first egg collection, we had our six embryos. My IVF doctor told me I can get you pregnant at these embryos.
And now she's saying, we may need to do another egg collection. And so it's just like, comes at you so hard and fast. And it's [00:33:00] like, you just never think you're going to fucking be here and you're still here. And now it's like, we're doing the whole process potentially again. So in my mind we've just done three back to back failed Transfers.
And when you have a failed embryo transfer, one of the hardest things is the phone call that you get from like your doctor is like, it didn't work. Sorry. You don't get any information. They don't have any information to why it hasn't worked. You are in the dark. You have no idea and you just keep putting in these embryos and they keep fucking failing
You're not getting any information as to why they're not working. And the thing is, Our embryos were tested, came back inconclusive. These embryos that we're putting in, we're spending thousands of dollars to do transfers. I'm putting my health and body at risk. All these hormones, they could be embryos that were never viable.
And this has all been a fucking waste of time. And I try not to think of that, but it's, a shit possibility. So my thought [00:34:00] process is we've got two embryos left which are going to be a single transfer of two embryos. And I just thought if they fail, we're starting this process again.
That's another 20 K we're already. I'm going to be 41. So in my mind I was like, let's see this naturopath that's been recommended to us because I want to be as healthy as I can be. I want to improve my egg quality as much as I can. So if when we do put in our IVF, Final transfer about two embryos.
At least we've done something in terms of our health to improve it, maybe working this time. And if it doesn't work and then we are starting this process again, and I'm going to do an egg collection at 40 pond, at least then we spent the first half of 2020. Five, improving our health internally.
That's my thought process, but the naturopath that we're working with, has the most incredible reviews. Like it's actually [00:35:00] wild. Her Google reviews, her like Facebook business reviews of other women who have worked with her have the most hardest, complicated fertility journeys. I mean like 14 rounds of IVF.
Fail, fail, fail, never held a positive pregnancy test. Similar to us have all of the gene mutations and then they fall pregnant naturally with her, which is fucking wild, which gives you so much hope. So we're working with a natural fertility naturopath and we're doing it to improve our IVF. and potentially our next egg collection results.
However, just being in her world, there's a lot more talk about like, you could actually fall pregnant naturally, which to me is like, so why? Although I get emotional thinking about it because I think there's always been a part of me. That has not felt that I was meant to fall pregnant naturally, which is like really bizarre that you're going through IVF and you're trying naturally.
It's not happening. So the gift that I want, I want to fall pregnant. Actually, I want the same experience so many of you [00:36:00] have had listening to this, where you like do a pregnancy test and you're like, Oh my God, we're pregnant. Like when you're going through IVF, you don't really get to have that experience.
It doesn't get to be that beautiful experience because , you're literally pumping your body full of hormones and you're going in for a transfer and it's all very. You know, methodical and like planned out. There's no surprise. It's just like, it's failed. It didn't fail. And so there's this part of me that's like, I have the vision in my mind that we're going to have that moment together where it's like, we're pregnant, like it's happened.
Then it's this beautiful thing. Not to say it's not beautiful. If you're going through IVF, it's just such a fucking different experience it's heavier, it's more emotional. And this element of, like, surprise that you don't have that I really want. So we've been working with her now just for the last month.
And so what we've done in preparation, like our big shift that we're doing is we've stopped IVF for now it's on pause and we are focusing very much so on [00:37:00] natural fertility, which is more about making ourselves the healthiest that we can be. At the beginning of January, I got back from my summer holidays.
I cleared out my fridge. I cleared out my pantry. We swapped everything organic. We are eating, I would say 90 percent organic and whole foods. We are eating gluten free. We are eating you know, I would say 90 percent dairy free. We are made a lot of changes to our diet based on her protocol. And she also formulated a protocol and natural protocol for us as well.
She makes her own herbs that have been created for us and our specific fertility needs based on our nine year history of infertility. And we are also taking like supplements, so many supplements, so many powders and potions and all these like herbs and everything changing our diet.
And just on top of that, I've improved my sleep. I'm looking at my phone screen [00:38:00] time and working on that. We're just like really kind of put this like incubator around us and doing everything we can that's within our control because IVF is out of our control. We have no control whether we're going to fall pregnant.
And I feel like the only thing I can control is like my sleep, what I eat, what I drink, what foods I'm putting in my body, what supplements I'm taking, like they're the things that I actually can control. And so that is our new. Kind of part with fertility at the moment. We are pausing our IVF. We are focusing on working with this naturopath who has the most incredible testimonials and.
We're just taking it day by day. And if I'm being honest with you, what I'm doing right now, parts of it feel way harder than doing IVF IVF actually feels like the easy road. There's just so much, to take and do every day. I feel like I'm just figuring it all out and I'm taking it day by [00:39:00] day, but that could also be that we've just had such a long, hard journey.
And so we're doing again, something else. I feel like I'm probably at the moment. Don't have the hope that I had, you know, when we started IVF again in 2024, I'm just building it up. Do you know what I mean? I feel like your hope tank gets drained and then it's like, we're still in this. We've got to figure this out.
So at the moment I'm feeling, I would say probably a little bit lost, a little bit confused, a little bit scared about like what is going to happen. And at the same time I have hope there's a part of me that knows it's going to happen. But then there's also a part of me that says, Crystal, you have to also Start to realize that this may not happen.
It's so hard holding it all, all the time, holding the fear of this may not happen. And bruce and I have to sit down and have that conversation as a couple, that that is reality [00:40:00] that may play out. And like, what will our lives look like?
How will we be? Will he be okay? Will I be okay? You know, what will we do? At what point do we stop investing all of our money into IVF? At what point do we stop trying? Are we there yet? There's just so many big fucking conversations. And
you just got to face every angle. And then we're also Holding hope like, yes, we can do this. Yes. This is going to happen. This is going to happen fast. So you're holding hope and fear at the same time. And I feel like it's harder to work with a naturopath. They don't have the same like legitimacy.
As doctors in terms of like, she wants me to get all these blood tests, but she can't fucking order them because she's a naturopath. And so then I've got to go to my doctor. My doctor's like, I'm so fucking sick of naturopaths, you know, sending people that way, getting us to do all their fucking work for them.
, it's like, doesn't feel as easy working with her because , she just doesn't have as much pool as a fucking doctor does, which I don't know if I agree with, that's just how it makes it harder for us. Like we went to go get a [00:41:00] heap of bloods this morning. And it was so hard to get those bloods because my doctor questioned half of the bloods that my naturopath wanted me to go and she refused to give them to me because I didn't meet the specific Medicare protocol for them.
And then, So I got half the bloods my naturopath wanted me to get, and then I'm at the getting the bloods and my naturopath is asked me to get her name on it so that she can get the result and they're like, no, we won't do that. Like, unless she has this particular number, blah, blah, blah, we can't do that.
So I feel like what I need most right now is like legitimacy and hope and a plan, but working with the naturopath It's more roadblocks. It's harder. I can't just go and get what she wants. I have to go through my doctor. My doctor has to approve it. And I feel like my doctor who's amazing, you know, she's open and supportive, but she's not going to be my naturopath lackey.
She's not going to order like fucking 600 tests because my naturopath feels like this is a thing where there's no medical evidence based on how she practices to prove it. So [00:42:00] it's just a complicated process. So I'm not feeling as hopeful when I do IVF. I'm feeling like lost, confused, scared, and we're having lots of hard conversations, but we're also Pumping each other up and focusing on our health and like saying it's going to be okay And we're going to get through this and you just got to hold on to hope And you've got to trust the process and one of my biggest and greatest lessons through this whole process Is we're nine fucking years into trying to conceive And I still have hope the only thing I can fucking do is trust this process and focus on what I can control.
And so what I control is what I put in my body, how I look after myself and I've got to leave the rest up. The higher powers. So that is an update on our Fertility journey. I mean, , we've switching things up and we're, definitely in a, like only can see one foot in front of the [00:43:00] other right now.
And we're just doing our best. But yeah, if you have any questions, let me know. You can slide into my DMS on social media, but I hope that that helps. I've had so many of you who are going through your own fertility IVF journeys. Who have said to me like, it's actually the best gift. I've shared this journey really openly, which is very authentic for me to do.
it'd be inauthentic for me to be going through this and not talking about it. Like that's just my personality. And I know that for a lot of women, that's not their journey. They hold this more closely to their hearts. That's their process, which I totally get and respect.
This is authentic to me to share it so openly. But so many of you have reached out to me, you know, in the last six months, as we've been going through it and sharing a lot on social media saying how like me sharing is helping so many of you that you've learned so much about what to ask doctors about different tests to have because I've been so open and transparent in my [00:44:00] journey.
And to be honest with you, like, that is the best feeling to me. Like, as I always say, like, My highest value in my business is, if I'm making an impact, if I'm helping people, that brings me so much joy. So those messages mean so much to me because sometimes you feel like, , what am I doing this for? Like, why am I sharing this?
Like we're still going, like you just kind of, it's a lonely journey. So when I receive your messages and I know that it's impacting you, me being so open and vulnerable about it, that brings me joy. Lots of love in this really fucked up, hard journey that we're on, which we're still believe all going to work out in the end, something that's just quickly before I finish up in this episode has been way longer than what I intended, but there is a part of me that also knows, when it comes to my fertility journey, like my intuition is on point in every other area of my life, this has been too long and too confusing that I really struggled to like, yeah.
Is this whisper within me [00:45:00] that keeps telling me that it's just not the right time. That there are other things that I'm doing and building. And there's foundations that I'm laying so that when it does happen, it's going to be the right fucking time for me.
And I just need to trust This process and keep going and know that everything is going to work out exactly like it should, but it's not easy to hold that when there's so much evidence of it not happening. But that might be the greatest fucking breakthrough and gift that I have is when I'm on the other side of this story, sharing how I held hope in the darkest of fucking days.
And it fucking happened. And I can't wait to tell that fucking story one day. You guys are awesome. I appreciate you. Have the best day, week, whatever it is that you're doing. Love you. You're awesome. And if you're going through a fertility journey, sister, I fucking feel you. [00:46:00] [00:47:00]
